so a brit, a priest, and a polish guy were....
By tuck 04 May 2002
so, today, day three of vacation, i reminded myself how truly moronic i can be. im sure all of you who know me have a little collection of memories of my bad judgments- but hopefully most of the incidents in such lists involve some degree of blood-alcohol blame. unfortunately, i have no excuse this time.
<p>as some of you can testify to, i go through phases of either having an orderly living environment, or having a heap of dirt and organic grime build up to the point that rather than clean up, i consider moving.</p>
<p>i probably should have just moved this time. </p>
<p>i spent almost this entire day today moving, scrubbing, gagging and gasping for breath, polishing and marveling at the fungal universe of my under-closet area (just had a flashback of my old jeep where i once found actual mushroom-things growing in the wasteland area under the back seats – that was infinitely cool) and also categorizing, filing, scraping, wiping, taping, screwing (with a screwdriver you pervs) (with a screwdriver on screws you pervy-pervs!) (dammit, using a screwdriver to actually screw screws into pre-drilled screw-holes you mega-pervy-pervs) (…. never mind) and other such purification of my little beijing cubbyhole.</p>
<p>and then i almost killed myself accidentally. </p>
<p>see, ive never actually polished anything besides combat boots and an ex-girlfriends bright yellow, 2002 audi S4 quattro race car. so, ignorantly, i bought some chinese, lemon-scented cleaning polish hoping to add a last perfection to my new, sterile abode. i polished everything that was polish-able. the walls, the shelves, my water cooler, and the blunt message of this little story is…</p>
<p>after everything was all glimmering and nearly divine in visual (and olfactory) sensation, i noticed my tile floor was pretty much just a clean-but-regular ol floor. so i sprayed it wth polish and let the cleaning-demon continue to take over my soul. </p>
<p>once the floor began to dry, unbeknownst to me, it now contained a coefficient of sliding friction which approached zero. satisfied with the glow, i took my first step on the now mirrory floor, and basically pulled and/or strained every single muscle in my entire body, probably broke my coccyx (sp?) and i think i have a mild concussion. after the 3 seconds of wild, physically impossible break-dancing i did, and then the final impact of 100% me-ness essentially squashing, i think my entire body actually started to slide towards my door.</p>
<p>so, one cool thing is that you can see my body-print on the floor which looks kind of like the chalk-outline of a corpse at a murder scene. another cool thing is that i can actually play an air-hockey equivalent using boots across my floor with a friend- ill probably be able to beat her after my body recovers .</p>
<p>so, people, dont use furniture polish on your floor. its a horrible, stupid thing to do. i now have to crawl across my floor for safety reasons.</p>
<p>this is all. carry on about your business.</p>